World Dumbination - Stupidity Ad Infinininitum

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Baby it don't matter, it don't matter if you're...

So 2003's "prestigious" MOBO awards have taken place.. and lo and behold Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera have won awards.

Now hang on..... Music Of Black Origin.... Timberlake... Aguilara...

Hmm, now correct me if I'm wrong, but the last time I saw them, Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera were most certainly white, depsite how hard Christina tries to be black in her latest video (she's in a supposed ghetto, along the lines of Harlem, and she's the only white person there... I mean come on...).

Yet their music is supposedly of black origin? Just because it's soulful?

Hell, does that make ever guitar based band that's ever listened to Hendrix, 'of black origin'....?

The Panjabi MC's are also listed, and without going into differences between indian and black etc, does that mean that The Beatles and all the music they produced after their trips were 'of black origin'...?
If so then surely Oasis, whose inspiration were The Beatles, are also by default 'of black origin.'

Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to be racist or anything, and these artists do deserve recognition and credit, I just feel that by making an awards ceremony just for 'black origin' is just standing to seperate them further from the rest of the business, and to highlight the issue of skin difference, when it should be irrelevant.

What can i say, I'm just a little white boy...

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Big Whoo

A year older, a year wiser, and all of those clichés....

I can't remember the last time that I actually looked forward to a birthday, and to the feeling of being older.
I just seemed to reach a frame of mind where birthdays were great for presents. This then became for money. Then once I reached 16, I was already in my mind 18, as I was doing everything that 18 year old's did. At 18, I was 21 for the same reasons. Once I hit 21, then I was just 21 still, no big fuss, no hoo haa. And since then the 2 years that have followed have just been more of the same. I don't feel any older per se, yet I don't feel young. I'm just in that period of upheaval. "Twentysomething."

Ahh well... *raises pint*

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Caught For Possession

So, earlier on today, I was stopped by the police for possession....

... of a bottle of apple tango.

I'll give you some time to pick your jaws up from the floor and to stop laughing etc.
I promise that this is no lie, however ridiculous it sounds.

I was busy walking down a road in the city centre, minding my own business drinking from said bottle, when my phone phone went off with a text.
I put the bottle in my back pocket, and went to get my phone out from my front pocket.
At this moment, a police van pulled up alongside me, and the officer in the passenger seat beckoned me over.
Now, I'm not one that likes to push my luck with the law, I've seen people get a kicking for no reason before, so I did as I was beckoned.
"Hand it over now." came the next line.
It took every inch of self restraint in my body to keep from yelling 'What the fuck????'
"Sorry....?" was what I managed
"The bottle, hand it over, or tip it out. Now."

Now, let me explain, my city centre is a designated Alcohol Free Zone. That is, no alcohol is allowed in public within the city centre presumably to stop all the fighting, crime, and pavements lined with puke on a sunday morning. Yet this was at 3.30pm.

"It's just Tango though, here, have some." I replied, still as stunned as a rabbit in headlights.
"N..no... I had to check, that's all."
"No, go on, have some." I remembered that I'd done nothing wrong here, and bollocks to them.
He reluctantly took the bottle and sniffed a bit.
"Well... you know, people pour alcohol in plastic bottles and that, you know?"
"Do they? Ahhhhh. But this is Tango."
"Yeah... but you were hiding it from us..."
"No, I was putting it in my pocket."
"Oh. Well... you can go now."

Fucking waste of space....

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Oh my good god....

I've avoided it for a while, but sheer boredom (already watched the Unkle DVD, and chuffing ace it was too.. some real nice touches art/animation wise as well) has left me with no other choice.

I'm currently sitting through At home with the Eubanks Britains "answer to The Osbournes."

What a load of complete and utter tosh!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, this show should come with a public health warning ffs.

The upside, is that hopefully this is the first hit to the nail in the coffin of the atrocity that is reality tv.

Unkle - Never, Never, Land

Due to the fucking shitty weather yesterday, I never got the chance to pick this up, but thankfully managed to do so today.

With it's array of guest stars including Ian Brown, Brian Eno and Jarvis Cocker on board, James Lavelle creates an amazing follow up to the stunning Psyence Fiction Album.
There's no DJ Shadow in the collaboration anymore, and the album's a bit less dark for that, but in a way it works more. The album tends to flow a lot more, and there's even more consideration given to the lyrics this time, in my opinion.
The one thing I'm pissed off about, is that the track with Liam Flint (of Prodigy fame) isn't included on the Uk edition of the cd.

I managed to pick up the CD+DVD pack, haven't had chance to check the DVD out , but will do shortly, and with extra tracks and video footage, I'm sure I won't be disappointed.

Monday, September 22, 2003

I believe in a yadda yadda yadda

I'm ready to get lynched here....

Today sees the release of The Darkness' "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" and all I can say, is AT FUCKING LAST!!!!!!!!!!
But, not for the reasons a lot of people will be saying it.

I for one, am so fucking bored of it.
For the last 3 months this track has been everywhere.
Every radio station has been playing it constantly, they're plastered in every magazine and newspaper, and it's all just got too much.

Don't get me wrong, I like the single, but it's been rinsed to death already, even more so than Evanescence's Bring Me Back To Life, and The White Stripes' Seven Nation Army.
There's no doubt it'll get to number one though, and will probably stay there for a few weeks, which means we've got to hear even more of it.
It's just reached the point where the over-the-top pseudo Queen style wailing, that I enjoyed when I first heard the track, has now started to go right through me and irritate me....

Ahh well....

Saturday, September 20, 2003

He who laughs last....

Ok, so recently I've been described as a clown by someone I know.

Now, to people who know me, that probably doesn't come as much of a surprise. However, it was meant as an insult(I wasn't really insulted though, I mean clowns have what every woman wants don't they? A sense of humour, and that thing about men with big shoes.... and then there's always the trading of make-up tips as a bonus.).

Yet it got me thinking.... without meaning to blow my own horn *insert tired genitalia cliché here* I'm a funny guy. Not in a laugh at my own jokes myself egotistical wanker way, but in a genuine centre of attention, always thinking of witty retorts kinda way. In those regards, I'm probably the funniest person I know. Although that might just mean I don't know enough people.

Yet lately it's all just dried up.
I haven't been as funny as usual.

None of the over the top bizarre stupid shit seems to be spouting from my mouth (/fingers) these days, hence the lack of action here lately so, apologies. I put it down to work, and doing it six days a week (work that is, get your mind outta the gutter....), however, that's all set to change within the next few weeks, so be prepared for some more from the sick and twisted mind that brought you....

Friday, September 19, 2003

Cheeky bastard....

I'm a year older this time next week.... feel free to shower me with gifts.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

And Wednesdays Are For....

Teachers.

Whilst nowhere as near good as the first few series' it's the only remotely amusing British thing on TV these days....

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Tuesdays are for....

The Shield, one of the only reasons at the moment I own a TV.

Well, that I bother to turn it on occasionally anyway.

Season 2 Episode 12 today.... 13 episodes really isn't enough.....

F'kin great.....

You are Tank-
You are Tank, from "The Matrix." Loyal
till the end, you spare no expense in ensuring
the well-being of others.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ear Candy

After an absence of fucking ages, Hecttech Records has finally brought out some new releases; the much awaited Delusion by Sharkey & K-Komplex, and In Effect's Technology / Back 2 Bass Kicks.

Delusion is the absolute mutt's nuts and well worth a listen to.

Both can be heard and ordered from the Nu Energy Collective Store.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Saturday's Lesson Of The Day

Never shave with a mobile phone in your pocket....


I add this to:
Never shave on a moving coach
Never shave drunk
Never shave with a shitty Bic Disposable Razor.

God I hate being a fucking Sasquatch.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

Flop Idols

Let's make something clear from the start....

I fucking hate reality tv.
With an extreme passion.
Hate hate hate.

The people on them, be they gameshows, docusoaps or whatever the fuck next the television industry decide to inflict upon us next, are complete and utter boring cunts.
Why, why, why the fucking fuck do people sit in the houses night after night and watch these people do fuck all? (And yes, I appreciate the irony in you reading this, but it's different.)
Yet that's not the worst part... why the fuck do people spend money doing so???? Buying special channels just to have 24/7 round the clock coverage of people sleeping, feeding chickens or pissing in showers.
Or on sending texts to said shows?

How people find this entertaining and worth spending money on, I shall never know. I'm not knocking other people for doing so, as it's their money to spend, but I reaaaaaaaaally cannot see myself bothering with them.

And then there's the music based ones.
These irk me even more.
If someone has talent and wants to get into the music industry, then surely they'd find a way into it without TV? If they were that devoted to doing it. To making it.

So these TV shows take people who can obviously sing, and who want to be in the industry, and make it happen.

Now, surely that's just lazy on the industry's part?
Can't be arsed to talent scout? Get the mountain to come to Mohammed....

Surely a much more entertaining concept would be to find the absolute shittest singer in the country, then take them away for a month, 12 weeks (fill with other audition tapes, which I'd imagine can be the only part of the show which could be described as near entertainment), whatever the length of time is, and then to come back, and to have actually transformed them into a decent musician?

Then when they release their single, if they're still shit, at least they can fuck off into obscurity and not have to inflict themselves upon my fucking ears, and eyes 24 fucking 7!!!!


Thursday, September 11, 2003

The price of sobriety....

So, let's try and stamp out drinking and driving...
If people drive to the pub what's going to try and help them to stay on soft drinks?

I'll tell you now, it's not the price....

Why the fuck are alcoholic drinks cheaper than non-alcoholic ones?
I know that brewery's want to get their money and that people are more likely to buy alcohol in pubs, but surely if they can make alcohol cheaper they can make non alcoholic ones cheap as well?

Or is that just my fucked up logic?

Fashion Tips

I was on a train the other day, and as usual it was packed out and the corridor was full with people standing up. I was surrounded by two females on one side, and one on the other, all three about mid-twenties I reckon, the two not knowing the single one.
Anyway, near the end of the 25 minute journey, one of the two turned round to the other one, and just randomnly asked her "Excuuuuuse me, but where'd you get your outfit from?"
To which she told her.

Now, I can't see myself as ever doing that, but I don't know whether it's a gender thing, or just me.
Do all females do this?
Do males do this?
Am I just odd?

(Okay, let's not answer that last one)

Bring on the Turkish....

England 2 - Liechtenstein 0

That's what it's all about today....

A win is a win, and I suppose that's what it all comes down to...

But we played fucking shit... Every opportunity we got, we gave the ball away. We had the majority of possession, the only decent chances, yet we were still 0-0 at half time. What the fuck was that all about???
It's scary, but in many ways that was our best performance since Brazil in the World Cup, and possibly better than that.
The individual skill was there, the pushing up was there, but we just managed to fumble at every given opportunity. Why is it, we only play well against hard challenge teams? We fuck up the games that should be 10-0 romps, and yet play well against the best teams in the world...

Ahh well...

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

And on the subject of films....

For those of you who have (already) compared my dancing to Stifler's in American Pie 3...

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Blackball

Well....

Let's not mince words about this.... I thought the film was shite. Pure and utter.
I wouldn't reccommend it to anyone.

Why is it that the English can write and create decent enough sitcoms, and bizarre comedy, yet are so fucking shite at making feature films?

Sunday, September 07, 2003

From Spam to Percodan?

Ok, so occasionally I browse through my spam for the sake of comedic value. I'm sure lots of people do, and I'm not alone in this.

When you get past all the penis enlargements, breast enlargements, free sex passwords and loan offers, there's always a few that seem to shine.

The following mail came to my attention and while it's not funny as such, I had a quick peek out of curiousity:

From :
"Ed" < TecXYkQYc@time.com >

Subject :
Quick Access To The Widest Range Of Drugs from Ed Jakob

Discount Prescription Drugs Are Here!
We are proud to provide affordable health care!

We understand that the high cost of pharmaceuticals can prevent you from obtaining the medications you need, negatively impacting your standard of living and quality of life. Visit our site and save your money!


Never Pay High Prices On Prescription Drugs Again!


And so from the link I ended up on said site...

Their tagline of "Medications Prescribed Online and Shipped Overnight to Your Door" intrigued me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure that the site could be a very valid one, people who are too depressed to even leave their house and visit a doctor can just order themselves some prozac over the net. Unfortunately the bullshit alarm started blazing with klaxons, horns and really effective flashing lights, within my mind. Mainly due to the shitty way I found the link, to be fair.

I mean, come on... how could this site work? How could medication be prescribed for you online?

Their FAQ section (which is cunningly hidden at the bottom of the page, within a blue bar... funny that considering most IE browsers are set up to default unread links as the same coloured blue....) gives me the following answer:

"Q. How Can I Order Medications Without Seeing A Doctor?

A. As you know, the Internet has changed the way we live. A lot of the new services that were never in existence a few years ago, are now commonplace. Online medical reviews are among the �new� services that have been created as a result of the Internet. Although they are a relatively new idea in health care, they are becoming widely accepted as a convenient way to improve patient access to physician care.

Instead of a traditional physical exam by the physician, the patient completes an online questionnaire and communicates with the physician using our secure online communication system. Even though online medical reviews will never completely replace traditional medicine, in certain circumstances they do give patients the ability to get treatment for a number of conditions that may not require another physical exam.

For Instance � If you have recently had a physical exam with a physician, in most cases you do not need to have another physical to receive a prescription for the medication you need. Instead, you simply ask for your medical history to be reviewed by one of our US licensed physicians. A thorough review of your medical history often times is enough for one of our doctors to be able to write the prescription.

If one of our physicians or one of our pharmacists has a question about anything, a customer service representative will contact you before choosing whether to write the prescription or not."


When in doubt, confuse with red tape?

But hey, if a physician says that my request for prozac is valid, then who am I to complain, eh?
So I carried on....

30 Prozac 20mg $ 219

Hmm... now I know I'm living in England here, so can't speak for the American health service, but that to me seems a lot.
Especially seeing as I spent 2 years working as a Pharmacuetical Assistant and was taking prescriptions for said item.

Now, I've never been depressed.
As in really seriously medically depressed.
But I can't imagine me being so depressed as to want to spend xhundred % more on something just for the sake of getting it without seeing a doctor and without leaving my house.
As I say I've never been that depressed, so if people would then I apologise if I have no idea what I'm talking about. I clearly state that.
Either that or it's just my financial tightness... of almost the stereotypical Scottish Jew variety....

But anyway, hey, maybe I would be that depressed, so lets see what the doctor says...
I click to buy, and lo and behold.... one questionnaire sheet

Now, maybe it's the cynic in me (Can I get medication to cure that?) but surely a quick visit to an online doctor could give you the symptons for depression? The symtoms that would require a doctor to prescribe prozac? Hell, a conversation with my old English teacher could...

I'm half tempted to actually try and order some, and be as undepressed as I can in my symptoms, but money makes the world go round my friend....

Result!!!!!!!!

Not a bad fucking day yesterday!!!

First of all, I managed to secure tickets for one of blur's november gigs.
I'm a fucking massive blur fan, and was gutted when I didn't manage to get tickets for their earlier gigs this year. Ergo I was dead chuffed when they announced they were doing a tour of smaller venues throughout the UK. And even more so after queing for an hour and getting them. (By no means in the least the longest I've queued for tickets.)

As well as that England beat Macedonia 2-1.
Not an amazing match by any standards, and to be fair, we played shit, but the laugh on David Beckham's face was well worth the agony of going 1-0 down.

So, all in all, it was an alright day. :D

Currently Playing: Dj Quattro & Dizzy D - Future Trance Project 2

Friday, September 05, 2003

Not the words of.....

Nelly Furtado:

I'm like a bird, I shit on people from a great height

Ahh shit.. I'm fucked then...



Shit photograph I know, and you can't read the details, but you get the jist.

*yawn*

Why is it that some mornings, even if you've had no drink the night before, and got plenty of sleep, you can still wake up feeling hungover?

That taste of battery acid within your mouth, the steel band playing in your head every time you twist it, the general wanting to die rather than move....

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Ahhhh smell that spam goodness

From :
"Samantha" < BhjcujtKHe@afo.net >

Subject :
Samantha's Mom invites U with this VIP pass


You get 2500 hours of hot moms having SeXy fun!
Its 100 % FREE and U get in as a VIP, just CLICK THE PIC


Though not the strangest spam I've received this week, definitely the one that freaked me out the most....

Maiden Voyage....

Right, for any fucker that knows me, or of me.... Good evening, welcome and hello....

For anyone who has found this randomnly... Fucking hell... Why??????

For anyone that's ended up here as a result of my persistant spamming, or out of curiousity from a link in a signature somewhere.... Ha ha, made you look!

Fuck knows why I'm doing this.

No, correction, I know exactly why I'm doing this, I'm an attention seeking, self-pimping whore.
I feel I have something to say, for whatever reason, most likely to preserve this crap before I get Altzheimers and can't remember if I've had breakfast already, or not.
See, matters of grave importance.

Anyway, this is what I've been pissing about with lately. It'll probably change in format a lot, but I'm far too impatient to get the whole thing done before I upload it.
Life's too short... I might get hit by a bus tomorrow and this could be the last words I ever put down on paper. Or screen or whatever.

Hmm... where's the backspace button again......